More Drunken Animals...

What is it about a drunken animal story that makes us giggle? First, there was the bear in Colorado. Now, there is a drunken elk in Göteborg.

*hic*

From The Local - Sweden's News in English:

Drunken elk terrorises schoolkids

An angry elk is terrorising kids at a school in Gothenburg. The animal has been skulking around the school for days and is "completely crazy", according to staff. It may also be very drunk.

This morning the king of the forest lay dozing at the entrance to the school. When the elk finally got up and moved aside pupils at the school were still afraid to pass and had to be led in by their teachers.

"The children are terrified," school secretary Camilla Andersson told Göteborgs-Posten.

Yesterday the elk was so aggressive that the headmaster, Lars Clemensson, felt compelled to call the police.

"We believe that the apple trees in the gardens have a part to play in this," said police commander Jan Caiman.

"It was probably the apples that lured the elk over there in the first place. That could be the root of the problem.

"We may be dealing with an alco-elk," he said.

Drunken elks are common enough at the end of the autumn season. The fallen apples have fermented slightly, and a bull elk can put away enough of them to start a good party.

"If it doesn't start taking it easy we'll eventually have to put it down," said Caiman.

But the commander would prefer wait a while longer in the hope that nature will soon put a stop to the drunken folly.

"Preferably a few frosty nights to make the apples disappeared," he said.

The hardened policeman has seen it all before. He recalls a scene he witnessed a few
years ago.

"A home-owner had raked up a big pile of plums. In the middle of the pile lay a one year old calf. It was absolutely plastered," said Caiman.

But the police officers bided their time.

"After a while it came to its senses and scooted off," said Caiman.

Treehouse of Horrors!

Yay!

Tagged by Emory!!!

Today...
Height: 63 inches or 160 cms
Color: Green (all right...white)
Piercing: Ears (one hole in each lobe)
Tattoos: 3 (left inner calf, right inner calf, right outer ankle)

Right now...
Time: 7:55 pm or 19:55
Mood: Take no prisoners
Taste: Rice Krispy Treat
Weather: Dark, mostly cloudy, 66 degrees or 18 degrees
Bad Habit: Smoking

Favorites...
TV Show: Countdown with Keith Olbermann
Book: A Widow for One Year, John Irving - Current: G-d Bless You, Mr Rosewater, Vonnegut
Non Alcoholic Beverage: Coffee (black)
Brand: Europa blend from Southern Season (current)
Perfume: Poison by Dior
Designer: Michael Kors

Random...
Work: State Employee
Currently spinning in Inga: Ett kolikbarns bekännelser, Håkan Hellström
What makes me happy: Dock's funny stories, my family, friends and pets

When/What Was the Last...
Received a real letter: Three weeks ago, get well card from Kate
Got an e-mail: Constant flurry of activity
Thing I purchased: Venus Flytrap
TV program watched: Hardball with Chris Matthews
Movie seen in a theatre: I don't go for fear of cooties
Hugged: Daphne the cat
Song I heard: Gårdakvarnar och skit, Håkan Hellström
Phone call: Friendly supplier with question about a Purchase Order

Tag! You're screwed. ;)

Trick or Treat!

Boo!

Caturday!

Hear ye! Hear ye! Caturday comes to The Local!

As forums go, The Local has fairly tightly knit group of participants. A good percentage of the participants do meet irl and share a beer (or many). While The Local is primarily a news forum, funnier, more light hearted threads appear now and then. Caturday has to be one of my favorites.

It's hard for me to decide which is more amusing...Mutley's witty commentary, anything by The Pope or Snoopy's pictures (always a gas).

The "Rest Stop in Raleigh" Haglet

Each time that commercial comes on tv, Dock Ellis screams and recoils when that horrible woman says, "rrrrrest stop in rrrrrally." Much like I do when I have to listen to Rita Cosby bark the news over the airwaves.

I explained (to Dock) the recent phenomenon of men searching Kodos world for pictures of her. And their continued assertions that she's hawt. Dock says, "How would they know? She's only on tv for two seconds at the most."

Ok men...you have your assignment. Explain to me how you can determine if the haglet is hottie. Also, if you don't care what she sounds like, is this an instance of not buying her dinner first (before tapping that ass)? If she made you spend time with her before doing the deed, would you take her to a noisy bar so you wouldn't have to listen to her destroy the English language? Could it be that testosterone blocks all things aurally offensive? If that is the case, and it does, why does Dock get so annoyed with me when I ask him to take out the garbage when he's horny?

I maintain...that is the most annoying commercial of all times. Those of us who live in Raleigh (RAH-LEE) find it very offensive, as well.

Tag! You're it!

Continuing the game of book tag started by Mia and passed on by Emory, it's time for me to play.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag five people.

America (the Book) - A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction by Jon Stewart and company

Everybody knows Betsy Ross was the one who "got it all sewed up" in the theme song for that show, Maude. But what you may not have known is that the thing she "sewed up" was the American Flag! I'm talking about Old Glory!

Buy these or else...

...I will eat you. I'm not phucking around, either. I will so eat you.

Seriously. If you are looking for the "rest-stop in Raleigh" haglet, I have nothing to offer you other than shrewd, witty commentary on why I think that woman should be curbstomped.

However, if you are visiting this blog for various reasons, please surf on over to the Mitre webpage (or myspace) and consider buying one of the two cds for sale.

Thank you for your continued support.

The Darkness

Brought to my attention by Scooter...

Per Dock Ellis, "Evidently, calling their album 'One Way Ticket to Hell and Back' was a bit premature."

I tried telling you guys this back in March. Just like everything else in life, Kodos is light years ahead of the masses in thought. Either that, or my crystal ball is in over drive...again.

So very disappointing. I have very fond memories of zooming around Holland with Dock and Scooter, while rocking out to The Darkness via the cd player in our "Le Weekender."

Drugs force Darkness singer out

The lead singer of glam rock band The Darkness is leaving the group after a battle with drug addiction, it has been confirmed.

Justin Hawkins, 31, spent nine weeks in The Priory clinic in a bid to kick his cocaine addiction.

The singer, famous for his catsuits and high-pitched vocals, said the band would be "damaging" to his recovery.

The Darkness, who dominated the Brit Awards in 2004, is set to continue. Hawkins is still reviewing his options.

The group scored a major hit with their first album, Permission To Land, which sold 1.5 million copies.

Band 'shocked'

But the pressures of fame, including press attention and constant travelling, led Hawkins to cocaine use.

He told the Sun newspaper: "I became secretive, volatile and verbally abusive, a really unpleasant person to be around. There were lots of periods I don't even remember, blackouts.

"I couldn't even tell you how much I was drinking - it was all day when we were on tour. My weapon of choice was vodka.

"It has affected every aspect of my life, with the band and my girlfriend Sue."

He said he would continue to visit The Priory and "would love to become a counsellor".

The band were reported to be "in a state of shock" having hoped to have changed Hawkins mind about leaving the band.

Despite their early success, the Darkness notched up disappointing sales for their second album One Way Ticket To Hell And Back.

Why Dock Ellis Should Not Be Permitted to Shop...

All right. He should be permitted to shop. With a disclaimer or a warning sign.

A few years ago, while trolling Crabtree Valley Mall on a boring Sunday afternoon, Dock and Kodos venture into Restoration Hardware. I needed a door stop of sorts for the door between the kitchen and the dining room. I'm fussy so I was looking for something interesting but not expensive (hence the trip to the "maul" as opposed to an antique store).

Sitting on the sofa, in the spirit of Halloween (did I mention it was Halloween), was a skeleton. Dock takes the skeleton's hand, manipulates the fingers and jams them in the nasal cavity. Dock then leaves the store. Nary a staff member noticed and the skeleton was visible from the promenade in the mall, "digging for gold" as we say.

I bought a cast iron frog-prince out of guilt.

Now...Dock's newest prank is one I support. At the Barnes & Noble at Brier Creek in Raleigh, they apparently have a display of BillO's (Bill O'Reilly of Faux N00z) latest screed. Dock has repetitively gone into Barnes & Noble, picked up a copy of Keith Olbermann's Worst Person in the World book (prominently featuring O'Reilly on the cover) and strategically placed it on the stack of BillO's books, obstructing the view.

Note: he has not made any purchases at Barnes & Noble recently. He is merely engaging in tomfoolery.

Dock Ellis...the embodiment of retail horror.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for Klan ice cream!

Inspired by Snoopy of The Local (and taken far too literally by others)...

Swedish ice cream makers, GB Glace, sparked a controversy last year when introducing a new ice cream bar, Nogger Black. Nogger Black is a (black) licorice flavored ice cream bar.

To stereotype Swedes, all Swedes love black licorice. All of them. That's right, all 9 million Swedes love the shit.

While GB Glace was most attentive to the needs of the consumer, they innocently overlooked the fact that Nogger Black may be deemed a trifle bit offensive. The picture above was created by some sinister minded Swedes (ok...comically brilliant Swedes) to parody Nogger Black confection.

Neither, in my opinion, can hold a candle to Piggelin, though.

Rofflecopterz!!!!

Painstakingly created by Melanie for me:

Princess Sparkle Pony

Oh my! Oh goodness gracious me! I have the vapors! *dramatically fans herself before fainting*

Melanie found the most hilarious blog I have seen in ages! If you love Condoleezza Rice, if you love the Bush Administration...stay away. Otherwise, shimmy on over to Princess Sparkle Pony's Photo Blog. Be prepared to laugh your ass off.

The pictures are hysterical. The hairdo alert system...words would not do it justice.

/me falls over screaming and laughing

It's 1985...

...at least in my den.

Currently spinning: This is the Sea by The Waterboys.

Mmmmmm.

Nostalgiaholic

Ennui. Complete and total boredom with news has driven me to the cd rack. Dock and I have too many cds. Yes...you can have too many. So, with squinted eyeballs (because I'm not wearing my glasses), I scan the rack to find something to tap my tentacles to.

I yanked out something I haven't listened to in ages. My collection of Terri Clark cds. Surprise! Surprise! Kodos does like country music.

It's always fun listening to something you haven't listened to in years. It evokes fond memories (or maybe not so fond memories). This particular cd, Fearless, is reminding me of one trip I made to Atlanta about five years ago. Kate and I did not necessarily rock out to this, but it reminds me of cruising up I-85 in the foothills in South and North Carolina (Kings Mountain area). The sun was shining, I was singing (in tune and hitting all the notes) and felt rather liberated and free.

That is the way to live.

Yarrrrrrrrrrrr!

Reminder: Tomorrow, 19 September 2006 is Talk Like a Pirate day.

I need to remind Dock to hang the Jolly Roger up on the flagpole (thanks, Scooter). Oh...and curse at Dock for not buying me my blunderbuss.

For those of you unaware, this is the one day during the year when we are permitted to wander the Earth speaking like a pirate. Yarrrrrr!!!!

Links for your amusement:

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/
http://www.talklikeapirateday.com/
http://www.yarr.org.uk/

and my favorite:

Piratpartiet - The Swedish Pirate Party

History of the Party

The Swedish Pirate Party was formed by Rickard Falkvinge, and he created the embryo of this site and mentioned the address once on a busy DirectConnect hub on January 1, 2006. Within two days, the site displayed three million hits, and the first thousand or so members joined up. The principles of the Pirate Party soon began to take shape, as more and more members joined up, and in February they were voted through in the 3.0 version, which you can read in several languages further down on this page. The reform of copyright laws, the abolishing of patents and working against installing more regulations, and remove the Data Retention Act, that are seriously threatening citizens' privacy are the only articles in the Pirate Party agenda.

The aim is to hold the balance of power, to be the tie-breaker, in the Swedish Riksdag and through that offer a collaboration of parties to gain the majority and thus give the governmental status, to either left or right. The difference between left and right, we feel, are no longer obvious, and therefore makes it easy for us to take this measure.

The issues that we represent are sorely missing, or are only fragmentarily represented, with an alarming display of lack of knowledge, and we hope to be able to bring in the legislative groups of Sweden into the 21st century. Feel free to show us your support by sending us a donation or a cheer in the Visitor's corner when you're here!

Oooops...wrong pirate. Heh heh heh.

Magic Bus?

What were you thinking?

Willie Nelson cited for pot, narcotic mushrooms
Trooper smelled ‘strong odor of marijuana’ in singer's tour bus

Willie Nelson and four others were issued misdemeanor citations for possession of narcotic mushrooms and marijuana after a traffic stop Monday morning on a Louisiana highway, state police said.

The citations were issued after a commercial vehicle inspection of the country music star’s tour bus, state police said in a news release.

“When the door was opened and the trooper began to speak to the driver, he smelled the strong odor of marijuana,” the news release said. A search of the bus produced 1½ pounds of marijuana and 0.2 pounds of narcotic mushrooms, according to state police.

A call to Nelson’s publicist wasn’t immediately returned.

Also cited were Tony Sizemore, 59, of St. Cloud, Fla.; Bobbie Nelson, 75, of Briarcliff, Texas; Gates Moore, 54, of Austin, Texas; and David Anderson, 50, of Dallas.

Each was released after being issued a citation.

Nelson, 73, has recorded songs including “On the Road Again” and “City of New Orleans.”

Stealing Vonnegut

When I read, I prefer to read works by a specific author sequentially. It doesn't always work out for me, but I do like to see how authors progress.

Anyhooooo...I have finished Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I meant to read this while I was in Sweden but alcohol derailed me. I had all but forgotten I had this book until a week ago. I read it. I love it. Kurt Vonnegut's writing style is amazing. He writes with a forked pen (as opposed to speaking with a forked tongue). Vonnegut is everything that everyone says he is. And more.

I had some time to kill this evening before a doctor's appointment. As is my ritual, I scooted up to Barnes & Noble to troll the aisles. I figured it was the golden opportunity for me to snap up another book or two. Much to my surprise, I could not find a single copy of a Vonnegut book on the shelves. Not in fiction. Not in classics. Before I dragged myself over to sci-fi, I found a clerk and asked, "what happened to Vonnegut?" How could a bookstore not have any Vonnegut in stock?

It turns out that there has been some rampant theft at the Barnes & Noble (hey...it is in Durham). Someone has been stealing all of the Vonnegut books. The situation is so dire, they relocated all copies of his books to a corner behind the cash registers.

Imagine...stealing books? Stealing Vonnegut? His demographic does not appeal to shop-lifters and petty larcenists, does it?

I snapped up one copy of Deadeye Dick and one copy of G-d Bless You, Mr Rosewater. Rosewater is first on my agenda, as Dock has not read Deadeye Dick (so he gets dibs by default).

At least I know how I will be spending the next two weeks, since working is not an option right now. Reading. Not thieving from the Barnes & Noble in Durham.

Kodos and the Cinema

My sister fears books from the library. She wonders where they have been, what sort of germs may be on them, if there is a stray booger stuck to the page and how many bathrooms they may have visited while on loan. I think I am a "germophobe," as well. I will not go to the movie theatre. I refuse. The idea of sitting on upholstered seating which is in dire need of a delousing makes me itch uncontrollably. The concept of my feet sticking to the floor turns my stomach. I feel like I have contracted lice the moment my ass hits the seat. So...I don't go. Not going means I miss tons of movies and am virtually ignorant of anything cinematic. I forget that one can buy DVDs or order a pay-per-view.

Last night, while channel surfing in a fit of boredom, I happened upon an Audrey Hepburn marathon on Turner Classic Movies. I adore Audrey Hepburn. I love Breakfast at Tiffany's, My Fair Lady (probably because I'm a linguistics nerd) and Funny Face. Lucky for me, Funny Face and My Fair Lady were shown back to back. Woooooo-hoooooo!!!

Another movie, lesser known to me at least, started after My Fair Lady. TCM aired, The Nun's Story, which was filmed in 1959. This movie was unusually riveting, brilliantly depicting a woman's entry into a convent, her struggles to stay true to her faith and humility, and her desires to minister to the sick in the Congo in the 1930s.

The Nun's Story is not going to leave you feeling mushy, sentimental and romantic. It will leave you feeling contemplative (no pun intended). ...And grateful that you stumbled on this gem of a movie.

Red Alert!

Thank G-d for Melanie (for finding this) and Samuel L (for keeping us safe from harm).

MOTHA PHUCKA!!!!!