Worst President Ever

Seriously. This has been debated.

According to an article written by Stephen Colbert in, America (The Book): A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction, the worst American president is none other than Warren G Harding. The article is brief, so I shall repeat it word for word in the spirit of plagiarism and completely unoriginal thought.

Historians debate feverishly over who is the best president in American history. However, there is little disagreement over who was the worst. His name was Warren G Harding (1921-1923), and he sucked.

The reasons why he sucked are many and, to be truthful, have been widely catalogued in the annals of presidential history. So, with your indulgences, I'd like to focus instead on the intensity of his sucking.

Warren G Harding was a worthless piece of shit. Fuck him. His presidency was a taint, not just in the sense of a, "stain on the office," but literally a taint - the anatomical area between the anus and the testicles.

I hate Warren G Harding.

This morning, the fair Melanie sent Zillicious and me a link to an article in the Washington Post.

The Bush League
How low can he go?

By Gene Weingarten - Sunday, September 10, 2006; Page W40

We in the media are sometimes accused of letting liberal bias subtly slip into our writing and reporting. That accusation is calumny. We are dispassionate observers and seekers of truth. All we do is ask questions.

Today's question: Is George W. Bush the worst president in American history?

An examination of this issue requires that we first consider possible alternatives. Historians pretty much agree on the three leading contenders, to date.

Franklin Pierce (1853-57)

Pro: Cinematically handsome.
Con: Bad hair.

Pro: High-spirited.
Con: Those spirits were mostly distilled alcohol, taken straight, in quantities that could incapacitate a hippo. When president, Pierce actually was arrested after running over an old woman with his carriage, most likely while soused. Died of
cirrhosis.

Pro: Strong political convictions . . .
Con: . . . the strongest of which was about slavery. He thought it was swell. Pierce was elected because the Southern states thought he was the one Northerner they could trust, and he was. "Involuntary servitude is recognized by the Constitution," Pierce said, "and stands like any other admitted right."

Pro: Ambitiously, he wanted to annex Cuba . . .
Con: . . . because he wanted another slave state

Greatest achievement: History books reveal that, during the Pierce presidency, "the first perforated postage stamp was used."


James Buchanan (1857-61)

Pro: Had an expressive, entertaining face.
Con: A vision problem forced him to cock his head at an odd angle, so, in most surviving photos, Buchanan seems to be saying, "You lookin' at me? You want a piece of me?"

Pro: He thought slavery was wrong.
Con: He was too weak-willed to oppose it.

Pro: He didn't think the Southern states should secede.
Con: He was too weak-willed to oppose them.

Greatest achievement: Was such a dismally inept nonentity, with such a shameful legacy of nonfeasance during a period of grave crisis, that his party -- the Democrats -- splintered in disarray. This led to the election of Republican Abraham Lincoln. So in a sense, Buchanan single-handedly saved the nation.


Warren G. Harding (1921-23)

Pro: Handsome. Women had just won the right to vote, after an arduous struggle to be recognized as equals. Harding was chosen by his party on the theory that the ignorant little ninnies would go for the better-looking man.
Con: He was a moron.

Pro: He knew he was a moron. He could not believe it when he was nominated, asking his handlers if they were sure there was no one more qualified: "I am a man of limited talents."
Con: He dishonored the White House by having furtive sex with his mistress in a closet near the Oval Office. This was Clinton, without the charm or brains or ability.

Pro: He was not personally corrupt.
Con: Nearly everyone he appointed was corrupt. His friends exploited his dimwitted good nature, taking everything they could grab. His own father once told him, Warren, it's a good thing you weren't born a girl, because you can't say 'no.'"

Greatest achievement: Died in office.

SO WHAT ABOUT GEORGE W.? Can he take a rightful place among these dwarfs?

Consider some testimonials.

About the president acting unilaterally, without seeking advice or consent: "The incompetence of his administration [has not stopped] it from vigorously defending the president's sole authority to control the execution of the law."

About the president's response to crisis: "He acted with his usual strong determination, dogged stubbornness and confused insight."

About the president's mangling of the English language: "It reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it . . . It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash."

Okay, ready? The first two were by historians, about Pierce and Buchanan, respectively. The last was by H.L. Mencken, about Harding. If they sounded contemporary, you may have your answer.

'Tis yours to decide, folks. My vote, coming as no surprise to anyone, is for W. Or is it Cheney? Or Karl Rove?

Buchanan hails from Pennsylvania. I need to be kind to my fellow Commonwealther. The rest of the lot...their respective stamps on history are marginal. It is really George W Bush, King of the Goat Phuck, that deserves mad props here.