On Trust

Trust: something, perhaps, you discuss while sitting around with your girlfriends, drinking coffee, wine or whatever is readily available. Maybe it is one of those discussions that rears its head at the most inopportune times, like whilst out shopping, when you do not have the ability to fully pay attention to the words being exchanged. Or...maybe during this conversations, your ears are focusing on the discussion but the root of your discord is fighting your mind for the attention it feels it deserves, distracting you, depriving you from the messages you so desperately seek and need.

One thing that sucks about lulling about the house for days on end is the lack of distraction or better things to do. Certainly, one can pick up a book and read, turn on the television and have the eyes glaze over or dig around the garden...but the mind always races back to the very issue it is trying to reconcile. I am not so sure that it is a case of idée fixe or a case of one's dire need to make sense of a plaguing trouble, that nagging annoyance that will not loosen its grasp on the psyche.

I find myself in that weird time/space thingy where I have an unyielding issue which is defying resolution. No matter how hard I try to logic my way out of it, no matter hard I try to stuff it in the denial box, it keeps rearing its ugly head and taunting me.

I am simply unsure of people. I have been profoundly shaken by certain events in life which have me doubting everyone new I encounter, doggedly seeking the angle from which they are approaching me. Typically an optimist with regard to inter-personal relationships, I find myself behaving in a completely insufferable, cynical manner. This is not who am I. This is not who I want to be.

When people appear in your life, or reappear for whatever reason, what does one do? How are they sure of the sincerity? Or...is the onus really on the wounded party to heal, move forward and accept that the world is not so cruel as we are afraid of it being? How does one muster up the strength and courage to return one's former self? How does one find that sense of self that allows them the ability to accept new and different things? Or is this just another growing pain we experience as adults?

I am hoping, through verbalizing my inner turmoil and confusion, that I can make these mental aggravations take leave of my feeble mind, allowing me to regain focus on what really matters. Certainly not everyone we encounter has a hidden agenda? I should like to think not. I long to return to the days when I was naïve and accepting of anything new. As of today, I am nothing more than a xenophobe clinging to what I know to be true, real and genuine. It is a side of me I neither respect nor like.