Apologies, Remorse and Regret

Imagine being wronged. Not the sort of "wrong" when someone accidentally bumps into you, either. I am speaking of an offense committed that shakes you to the core of your being. A hurt that makes you ache emotionally and physically. The result of a foul so severe that your entire being was significantly altered, making you suspicious of any newcomers in your life.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, this has happened to me.

Throughout the past three months, I have randomly been documenting some of the more unsavory experiences I have been undergoing, having, whatever... It has been a way for me to attempt to rationalize something I perceived as a great injustice. My blogging has been somewhat cathartic. It has also served a purpose. It is a reminder of my sadness, pain and suffering. It allows me to review my past experiences so I do not lose sight of why I am the way I am today.

I have mentioned that I feel doormattesque at times. I have mentioned that I think of myself as far too forgiving for my own good. I have mentioned that I look at myself as having very little self-esteem. I try to please. I try to please too many people who do not deserve one iota of kindness. I also try to be a compassionate person, an understanding person, a forgiving person. We all make mistakes. We all, inadvertently or purposefully, hurt others. It is what you do, when you discover the ramifications of your actions, that makes you a good person or a piece of shit.

I have two significant apologies in my e-mail box right now. I have no idea what to make of them. I am flummoxed. Confused. Hurt. Honored. Justified. Furious. I am struggling.

What would you do, if you felt so deeply violated, so incredibly hurt, so intensely aggrieved for months and then, presto, out of the blue...the offenders realize the err of their ways? Do you wonder about the sincerity? Do you question the motive? Do you accept? Should you deny? How do you move forward?

I have been wrestling with this for a few weeks now. I am at a total loss. I have no idea how to handle this.

My friends, family and shrink (all) tell me that certain people are, "drains." Certain people are not worthy of any kindness offered up. Certain people, regardless of sincerity of said apology, simply do not deserve a second, third or fourth chance. There is that saying, "Phuck me once, shame on you. Phuck me twice, shame on me." There is a lot of merit to that saying.

I think that I could fairly, openly, honestly state that I had actual love in my heart for these two sinners/offenders. After all, love comes in many shapes, sizes and scopes. If I did not love them, would the hurt had been as painful as it (still) is?

Here I sit on a Sunday afternoon, pondering. What do I do? This is the second time within the course of a year, that my gut instinct is non-existent. My mind is addled. My support network may be right. Then again, they may be wrong. I see the world differently than most. It is my rosy outlook on life, my willingness to forgive that has made me the doormat and the special, kind, loyal person I am today. Had I shunned anyone and everyone that hurt me, I would, in essence, be alone.

When is an apology an effective tool for healing?

I do not handle disappointment well. What if, in allowing certain elements back into my life, I am hurt again? How will I rebuild after another round of significant heartbreak? Then again...if I build the wall so deep and high, no one will ever be able to penetrate it again.

I realize there are no answers to this problem. At least, not from my vantage point. Yes, there are people who are not worthy of anything. I believe they know who they are and where they stand in my world (forever on the outside, looking in, knowing full and well that I, an otherwise nice person, cannot stand them). Then...there are others.

Is there such a thing as a second chance? Or will I be bemoaning the latest pain in a few months? G-d...I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish I had a guarantee. I wish I did not have a soul. I wish I was immune to emotional pain.

I am not without sin. I am not without liability in my interpersonal relationships with people. I phuck up as much as, if not more so, the next person. I am not a victim of any particular person or behavior...other than myself.

I reckon I require more reflection, more time to evaluate what has been placed before me. In the interim, all I suppose I can do is listen, learn and be a skosh removed until I determine the appropriate course of action for me. What else can I do? If I continue to define myself by pain, I will remain in pain.

I just wish I knew the motives behind others' actions.

/me sighs