Kodos Full of Grace

After seven years, you would think I would learn a little something along the way. I have had the esteemed pleasure of wearing bifocals (progressive lenses) since I was 28 years old. In all actuality, I should have been wearing them since I was 19. I could not bring myself to bite the bullet, though. Bifocals are for old people, not teenagers.

Sneaking out for a coffin tack a few moments ago, I opted for the stairs. I figure...if I am going to slowly kill myself with cigarettes, I should at least drag my ass up and down the stairs (feeble attempt at exercise and wellness) instead of riding the elevator from hell. Anyone who has ever worn bifocals will tell you that stairs can prove to be a challenging obstacle course at times. If you do not look above your lenses, or make the mistake of peering out of the lower portion of your glasses, you may be asking for some serious trouble (and a few giggles at your own clumsiness).

As I was hopping down the stairs this morning, I made a critical error in judgment. I looked at the stairs below with the wrong part of the glasses. In a matter of moments, the stairs rose to my chin, throwing me completely off kilter and sending me lunging forward. I am fortunate that this occurred when I was on the bottom stair and only had to navigate the plummet to the landing...making a loud thud when landing ever so gracefully (on my feet, thank G-d).

I am not sure what is more embarrassing; my forgetting how to use my glasses appropriately or the notion that someone could have been watching me. Instinctively, I look around for my audience. There was none. Oh...wait...there was a small audience thanks to the security cameras in the stairwell. My agility and grace have been captured forever on tape. I hope the security guard has a nice chuckle at my expense.

I should have just gone ahead and picked my nose while I was at it. I no longer have any dignity.