Change, Personal Growth and Development

A few years ago, at a job that I could not stand with a manager I could stomach even less, I picked up one of the most prophetic sayings I have ever heard in my life. "Change is a significant, emotional event." I have used this saying ever since. Work...personal...whatever...it has become my mantra.

Over the past few months, I feel as if I have been sucked up in a whirlpool of change. All the while, many things have remained relatively static. Home is the same. Work is the same. Recreation has been the same. The metamorphosis, the development has occurred all inside my head and heart. It is all emotional. Sometimes, I think that is the worst sort of change to digest as there is nothing tangible to hold on to or throw (if you don't like it).

So...I manage to get hopped up over things I have little control of. And for what benefit, exactly? Can I change things? Certainly. Do I want to? I am not very sure. Am I idle in activity due to the storm in my psyche. Absolutely.

Recently...I had some sort of small revelation.

A few years ago, I was living in the "Crap House" with Dock. An absolutely dreadful, rented home in this odd subdivision of Raleigh. I hated that home. It was unusually suburban, unusually ugly and devoid of any character what-so-ever. So bland this home was, that when my best friend, Kate, arrived...she reportedly told one of my friends, "I cannot believe she lives here." To say that I despised living in that place would be one of the great understatements of all time.

Dock was on the road and mentioned something about buying a house. On a whim, I went out and applied for a mortgage (why I didn't do that before is beyond me). Lo and behold...Dock and I got financing. Within two weeks of the phone conversation, Dock and I bought our darling home.

If you would have told me, a day prior to Dock's comments on the phone, that I would have moved from the Crap House to a house I own (that I am rather fond of)...I would have laughed my arse off. Really. I am not the most responsible person in the world. I do not care for being tied down to things and I never imagined myself being an actual homeowner because it represents maturity...which is something I eschew.

To try to sum this up...we never really know what the future has in store for us. We are not seers. And...life has a way of constantly pulling the proverbial rug out from underneath us.

My logical side tries to keep this little fable in mind when I am caught up in the chaos that is life. Sometimes, I can succeed in saying, "ok Kodos...remember the house thing." Sometimes, the emotional side will defeat logic and leave me floundering in a tailspin of drama and shit.

Fairly, unfairly, deservedly or not...life is going to throw you curve balls at every turn. We are going to continue to be surprised on a daily basis. Some things and people will turn out to be the biggest disappointments we have encountered. Others will be the most pleasant gifts we can ever receive.

Each time I return from Sweden, I try to assess my current state of affairs with clean, uncluttered mind. So here I sit, in my lovely house, in my lovely den (Kodos Centcom) scribbling away while the England/Paraguay match plays in the background.

Life is certainly not the way I want it...if I had a magic wand and could wish myself anything I wanted. I do not really live where I want. I think I could be a much better person than I am. I wish my relationships with people were different. I wish I did not over-analyse every situation I am in.

On the other hand...through change...miraculous things happen. Sometimes, you take the tumble and stand up bruised. Other times, you take the tumble and stand up liberated. Today, for some odd reason, in spite of dealing with a loss of something I very much care about, I feel liberated. I feel...almost...as if I have control of something I lost moons ago. I feel...dare I say...empowered.

So...for all of you who are going through personal shit-storms right now, I should like to remind you of the house. I should like to remind you of how dramatically things change. I should like to remind you (and myself) that everything does happen for a reason and the outcome, in the long run, is typically for the best.

Improvise, adapt and overcome. It is all we can do.

But...during the shit-storm of change, rely on your friends, keep yourself first and healthy and remember...that like everything else in life...this is only temporary. The clouds will clear. The sun shines again and all will be well.

As people ask me, "Kodos...are you ok?" I have been known to respond (as of late), "I will be ok. Someday."