Introspection

Each year, before my birthday, I spend a day or two (ok...it's me...a week, month) reflecting on what I have learned through the past year. I think of my triumphs, my travails and my tragedies. Some people engage in this practice around New Year's and set resolutions. I prefer to do this around my birthday. After all, are we not supposed to be another year old and wiser?

The past year in the life of Kodos has brought many interesting opportunities and challenges. Some of them great, some of them meager. Some have been wonderfully fulfilling while others leading to considerable heartbreak have been a wonderful lesson in life. And my father says, "you cannot pay for an education like that."

This time last year, Dock, Scooter and I were shuffling off to Maine to visit with Grampy, who was sick. Scooter and I shared our birthday together among the Dock-Scooter family (the first time all of us were together for said occasion). At the time, I was in excruciating pain due to a herniated disk. Between the pain killers and the steroids, I could enjoy none of the festivities. The weather was hotter than normal, which sucked, in an area which generally does not have air conditioning. But...the point was to spend time together as a family. And we did. We listened to Grampy tell us stories of travelling and of serving in the Navy in World War II. Dock's mother had all of her ducklings home. It was about family, it was wonderful and it is what life should be about.

Autumn brings about many pleasant changes. The heat breaks, the leaves turn (well...they didn't last year, they seemed to hang on forever), trick-or-treaters darken the doorsteps in their wonderful costumes with tired parents in tow. I started feeling a lot more spry, the medication haze lifted and I could actually function at work for the first time in months. Magnus came and spent a week with me, bringing along a very nice colleague whom I could feed. Thanksgiving came and went. All was quiet and well.

Then...the shit storm erupted.

I managed to contract some sort of yuck. After spending much of December wheezing and feverish, I was prodded into visiting a specialist. Two months later, I was still sick and still confusing the doctor by not getting well, in spite of rounds of anti-biotics and various other medications and tests. Growing extremely irritated with my uncooperative body, dealing with side effects of medication and tired of feeling like hell, I took action and joined a gym. I made the decision that nothing was going to keep me from being well (having battled flare ups of one particular disease since I was in college). I was taking charge and that was that. Until my car accident, that is...when my back was wrenched compliments of a flat-bed truck driver's not paying attention and consequently crunching my precious baby.

Yet another hurdle for me to pass. And I did. As patiently as possible with little tantrums.

Spring brought a lot of changes for me. I decided to join the rabble of the internets and start blogging. Not because I feel I have anything overly interesting or important to say. I have no particular agenda in life. But, I have always been a bit of a writing hack and wanted to start exercising my creativity more. People have told me that I should be writing for a living and I bought into the encouragement. It turns out...in some way, they were correct. While I may not always have the most interesting things to wax idiotic about, I'm getting some wonderful practice and feedback. My husband and I, who disagree about everything, even managed to collaborate on one piece without getting into a nasty fight. It has been therapeutic, cathartic, challenging and fun. In my quest to further my career, I had forgotten that there was a little part of me that was creative, artsy and should not be confined by what society says to do. I have found my outlet and I am grateful.

Through an internet forum, I have managed to make some wonderful friendships and some bitter enemies. I think my participation in this medium has taught me the most about life (in the past year). The forum was my refuge from my otherwise boring, suburban existence. I was able to communicate with people in places far and wide, feed the unyielding yearning to learn and be mentally challenged. The ability to learn from people with different perspectives and cultural mores is so amazing, I strongly recommend anyone reaching out and trying the same.

The friendships I have forged are lasting and genuine, having met some of these lovely members in real life, having had the fortune of hosting them in my home. The enemies...well...that has been the biggest lesson of all. There are some people who deliberately intend to hurt. I never wanted to believe that there is an unsavory underbelly to humanity (at least on an interpersonal level). I wanted to believe that everyone was good, in spite of their drama and baggage. I wanted to give everyone credit and a new shot in life. I have learned that is not the case. There are people out there who thrive on deception and hurt. There are people who care little for the consequences of their actions.

Of all the lessons I have learned during age 34...that is the most profound and will help define me, mold me into the person who I want to be during year 35.

The end of year 34 brought an enormous amount of drama, trials and tribulations. The past six weeks have been some of the most challenging for me to navigate in my entire life. I returned to a place I love, among people I love, to say goodbye (again). While I will be back...my heart breaks each time I leave. It can be frustrating, peeking in on a life you wish you had, but cannot.

Dock's grampy fell ill and we knew his time was coming to an end as the cancer had returned and there was nothing he could do to fight the good fight. We lost a true gentleman. And not to sound romantic or melodramatic, we lost a hero, a veteran, an upstanding member of a community. We lost Grampy. I am still trying to figure out which is worse, losing a loved one or watching your spouse go through sheer hell trying to come to terms with the loss. There is no worse feeling than being powerless to take away one's pain. Spin all the plates you wish, dance funny jigs, pull your underwear over your head and run around the house...sometimes, you cannot ease the pain. You can only hold hands and pray that you make it through without too much residual damage.

Compounding the hell, I have managed to fall sick. Again. The yuck that was plaguing me through the winter months has returned with a vengeance. The timing could not have been worse, either. Among the private hell I was living, being bitterly hurt and disappointed by someone whom I deeply cared for, being stalked by a cybernut, helping my husband grieve...I had to endure a battery of tests for this illness that seems to defy logic. Imagine, having to take your husband who just lost his boyhood hero with you to the doctor to be tested for the same illness that took the hero. By the grace of G-d, I do not have cancer. Unfortunately, we just do not know what it eating away at my body. At times, I think that's worse. The unknown.

All of that brings me to today. Less than a week away from 35. Less than a week away from a new year, new challenges and new triumphs. I count my blessings; my wonderful friends, my loving family, my crazy animals, my job, the material goodness that surrounds me. I look at the the pending hurdles and avow to pass them with dignity, grace and fortitude.

"They" say each year we grow older and wiser. I'm not so keen on the older part but I am looking forward to the wisdom. However, as all things are concerned, one needs to be sure they are receptive, willing to change and willing to listen. Otherwise, the potential wisdom will pass you by. And...who wants that to happen. If you have to age, take the good with the bad, suck the marrow from the bone and get as much out of life as you can. The alternative is much worse.

For all posterity I present my resolutions. More so for me to review throughout the upcoming year, as a reminder of the challenges I have set forth for myself.

I resolve to (in no particular order):

1. be a better judge of character
2. contain my emotions
3. limit who comes into my life
4. tell the people I love, that I do love them and often (without devaluing the gesture)
5. make sure the people in my life know they are truly valued, not just by me...but the world
6. be less scatter-brained and more focused
7. write, write, write...even if it takes me nowhere
8. learn who I am and remain true to it
9. fold my clothes immediately upon completion of laundry
10. remember to feed the pets when Dock is away
11. learn to get out of bed when the alarm goes off
12. put my physical and emotional well-being first, eschewing any potential drains
13. not be so serious
14. not "think too much"

Each year, I buy myself a present to celebrate another year in this wonderful world, this trying journey. I think this year...my present to myself will be the passage above. Simplistic, personal and a reminder of what it takes to be a good human being.