Screech Sex

Yes. It is true. Samuel "Screech" Powers from Saved by the Bell finally got laid. And he taped it for the world to see. /me vomits in mouth

This time, the Screech is on us: "Saved by the Bell's" Dustin Diamond does the dirty.

Someday we'll have a "Signs of the End Times" category. This will be the first entry.

Not long ago, Dustin Diamond was squarely entrenched in the "Whatever Happened To ..." file. Oh, how we long for those days. We were all so innocent then, like little Bambis nestled into the downy fur of mama doe's tummy.

Today, that innocence is completely lost. Lost! Why? Because we just found out, courtesy of the New York Daily News and the excellent Defamer, that Dustin Diamond, aka Screech on "Saved by the Bell," is the star of his very own sex tape -- featuring him with two women!

I believe one of my closest friends spoke for all the world when she said, "Shut up! That's gross!"

It is currently being shopped around for a distributor. Working title, I kid you not: "Saved by the Smell." This is no doubt due to a widely circulated nasty detail that goes by the delicate nickname "Dirty Sanchez."

Go ahead and wash your eyes if you need to; we'll wait.

OK? Let's continue ...

Now you may be wondering, what does this have to do with television? Well, this got our attention for several reasons.

--Y ou could not ask for a better study in career contrasts. One of Diamond's co-stars, Mario Lopez, is the talk of television and a frontrunner on ABC's "Dancing With the Stars." And it's not as if his career has been on fire. Other than hosting stints for ESPN and Animal Planet's "Pet Stars," and a few soap opera roles, Lopez is pretty much solidly D-list. But at least he's kept his little Lopez off the video store shelves.

Other "Saved By the Bell" stars are getting along just fine. Mark-Paul Gosselaar moved from "NYPD Blue" to "Commander in Chief." Neither Lark Voorhies (Lisa Turtle, Screech's object of desire) nor Tiffani Thiessen have resorted to porn as far as we know, although few would be as horrified about it if they did.

Last we heard of Screech, he was pimping his woes to the American public on Howard Stern, moaning that his house was in foreclosure and trying to get suckers to buy T-shirts. Before that, he beat up "Welcome Back, Kotter's" Horshack (Ron Palillo) for charity on "Celebrity Boxing 2." The sad truth is, this accidental porn tape probably qualifies as a positive career move. (His next gig will be a guest appearance on ABC's yet-to-premiere comedy, "The Knights of Prosperity.")

-- Also, out of all of that show's stars that could have gotten naked for the cameras, why him? Wasn't seeing Berkley wave her congas in Kyle MacLachlan's face in "Showgirls" enough?

-- "Saved by the Bell" re-aired on Adult Swim last spring, and though reaction was mixed, at least it got people talking about it again.

-- You don't even have to be a Child of the '80s to remember Screech. He played the assistant principal on "Saved by the Bell: The New Class" in the early '90s. That means a whole lotta twenty-somethings have to be grossed out by this too.

-- We also have to wonder how drunk those women had to be to get down with Screech. On tape.

Any way you slice it, it all comes up icky.

According to the DailyNews' intrepid gossip duo Rush & Molloy, Phoenix-based agent David Hans Schmidt, the man who shopped around naughty tapes starring Colin Farrell and Fred Durst, has acquired the rights to Diamond's dirty deeds (no doubt done dirt cheap, given his foreclosure woes).

"Just when you think you have seen everything in this business," Schmidt told Rush & Molloy, "mankind has raised the bar another notch. Or lowered it."