Pill Popping America

Last week, Andy and I had a conversation about Americans and their lust for medication, any and all (meds) we (Yanks) can get our hands on. If there is an ailment, a perceived ailment or a mere hint, allegation or suggestion of an ailment...chances are someone out there, in America, is popping, snorting, inhaling or injecting something to deal with it.

Interestingly enough...Bill Maher addressed this very issue in his New Rules segment last Friday. I have been waiting for the New Rules to be posted on the Real Time website just so I can display it for my fair Littlefair.

"And finally, New Rule: Drug companies have to stop making up diseases! I don't know - I don't know what the terrorists are planning next for America, but if I had every problem they talk about in medicine commercials: breathing, lifting, walking, sitting, sleeping, crapping, not crapping, getting a boner and male pattern menopause—I would welcome death. Bring it on! Deadly nerve gas? Please, I've got seasonal allergies!

I mean, it seems like every time I turn on the TV these days, I see some ad for some drug I never heard of, to treat some disease I never heard of. That's not a stomach ache you have from eating the chili-cheese fries at Johnny Rockets, it's Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Or I.B.S. Or as I call it, "B.S." Which would also apply to the dreaded "Social Anxiety Disorder." Or as we used to call it, "shyness." And we treated it with an old home recipe: scotch and water.

Your wife doesn't get turned on? Well, it couldn't be because you're a snowman-shaped sausage casing--so full of beer you sweat hops. It's because she has "Female Sexual Dysfunction."

And before they came up with "Restless Leg Syndrome," did that even exist? Did you ever hear someone say, "Sorry I couldn't make the party, Bill." "The old restless leg was acting up." You know, next time you have an uncontrollable urge to move your feet, maybe you should just...move your feet! Your feet are trying to tell you the same thing your dog is trying to tell you when he's been cooped up in the house all day: "I want to go for a walk!"

But be careful. There's a Tasmanian Devil living under your toenail.

I am waiting for the ad that tells me that my morning hard-on is actually "Superfluous Rigidity Syndrome." Or S.R.S. And there's a cartoon bunny who says, "Are you bothered by morning stiffness?" "Try Flaccidix." "Flaccidix is specially formulated to make your penis shiny and more manageable." "Side effects: you bleed from your pores and then explode and die." "And/or dry mouth."

Now, just in the last two years, the "medicines" that have made the headlines under the category, "Take two and call me in the morning if you're still alive," include Vioxx, Ambien, Zyprexa, Ortho Evra, Prempro, Zoloft, Paxil, Ephedra, Celebrex and Fosamax.

And yet it was marijuana last week that was declared by the FDA to have no known medical value. Actually, what marijuana has is no known lobbying value. And, yes - yes, back in 1999, when we still believed in science, the National Academy of Science said what millions already knew from practical use, that weed is useful in treating pain, nausea and weight loss. And that lab rats exposed to it were 38% more likely to forget the maze and just kick it old school.

Folks, drug companies are pushers, and Congress and the FDA are the cop on the beat who's been paid off to look the other way. New drugs used to have to go through a rigorous process of testing. Now they just give it to Courtney Love, and if she lives, it's approved.

And by the way, just to prove who has the power in this country, that fake FDA report about marijuana having no medical value was issued - on purpose, I am sure - on April 20th - four-twenty. And that joke only makes sense to stoners.

So, mom and dad, if your kid just laughed, you might need to search his room."

Now...having had the opportunity to read the rant in print...I'm terrified. Currently my daily doses include: Lexapro, Ativan, Nexium, Azmacort, Singulair and Zyrtec. Closer analysis: depression, stress, stress, stress/asthma, stress/asthma and allergies.

Now to the side effects. When Europeans, Asians, Africans, et. al. say Americans are fat, they're probably right. G-d knows I could stand to lose a pound or a million. But...here's the secret, folks. We Yanks are not fat from MacDonalds, Wendy's, Hardee's or other grease manufacturing facilities. We're fat because of the meds. Anti-depressants...10 pounds easily. Asthma meds (steroids) 10 pounds easily. Last year, when I had the joy of eating Prednisone for months on end, I ballooned and have been fighting my moon face ever since (not to mention making reparations to those close to me for my nastier than normal temper, otherwise known as "roid rage").

Hopefully, with the allergy shot therapy, I can manage to wean myself off of most of my meds. I'm not sure what to do about the SSRIs, though. I cannot imagine going through life without weekly therapy and daily, happy pills. It's just...so...un-American. Forgive my trespasses, Mother Earth and her inhabitants. At least I do not drive a gas swilling SUV. I do recycle. I like green architecture. Really.